Emotional Neglect: The Invisible Wound

If I ask a group of people if they were emotionally neglected as children, the vast majority will say they weren’t. Some may ask what emotional neglect means before answering the question. Virtually no one will say they recall experiences of emotional neglect. 

None of this is surprising. We tend to remember events that create memories: family trips, fun times with friends, a significant injury or illness, a painful breakup, holiday celebrations, challenging family situations, etc.. Emotional neglect, on the other hand, involves the absence of something crucial: emotional support, care and validation. It’s much harder to recall not receiving the emotional guidance and attention that we needed (and may not have known was so crucial at the time) than remembering events that did happen.

Emotional neglect, a silent and often invisible trauma, creates a void inside. Although it eats at us and can make us feel inadequate and worthless, we tend to dismiss this void because there’s no evidence to explain it. What we don’t realize is that, in the case of emotional neglect, the lack of evidence IS the evidence. This can be a bit of a tricky concept to wrap our minds around. Let’s look at it more closely.

Understanding Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect occurs when a caregiver or significant other fails to respond adequately to someone's emotional needs. This can happen both in family relationships, when parents are emotionally unavailable to their children, or in relationships with significant others who consistently dismiss our feelings. It is not about what is said or done; but what about is NOT said or done. Not receiving the necessary emotional support, attention and validation can leave deep psychological scars and erode the foundation in which relationships stand, getting in the way of our ability to have the social and emotional connections we need to live emotionally healthy lives.

The Invisible Wound

What makes emotional neglect so tricky to detect is its invisibility. While physical injuries can be seen and treated, emotional wounds tend to be hidden; sometimes even from the person in emotional pain themselves. They might feel something is missing or wrong, but not be able to pinpoint what it is. This can lead to confusion, pervasive feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, difficulty identifying what feels off in their internal experiences, and embarrassment about needing/reluctance to ask for help.

The Impact of Emotional Neglect

The effects of emotional neglect are many and far-reaching. In addition to seeing themselves as the problem, people who have experienced emotional neglect tend to struggle with a host of emotional and psychological issues, including:

• Low Self-Esteem: growing up without emotional support can lead to feelings of unworthiness and lack of self-confidence;

• Relationship Difficulties: creating and maintaining relationships can be difficult for those who have experienced emotional neglect due to their difficulty understanding and expressing emotions. In addition, they may inadvertently end up in relationships that replicate the neglect that they experienced, which further compounds their emotional and psychological challenges.

• Mental Health Struggles: not having received emotional guidance or validation makes people more vulnerable to stress and emotional turmoil. As a result, anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions are common among those who have experienced emotional neglect.

• Emotional Detachment: emotional experience may feel overwhelming when people don’t know how to navigate their feelings. To help them cope, they may detach from their emotions; which helps life feel more manageable, but also makes it difficult to forge the connections with self and others that are so crucial to our mental, emotional and psychological health.  

Recognizing Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect can be tough to recognize. Because it is marked by the absence of what should have happened, there’s no event or action to pinpoint as the culprit. Reflecting on experiences of emptiness, unexplained sadness, difficulty trusting others, and how your emotional needs were addressed or ignored may provide clues to the possibility that you’ve experienced emotional neglect. 

One of the misconceptions about emotional neglect is that it shouldn’t be difficult to detect because, if a child is emotionally neglected, there’ll be clues such as abuse or neglect in other areas of life (physical, psychological, spiritual, etc.). In reality, while mishandling the emotional support their child needs, most parents who emotionally neglect their children provide good care and necessities in other areas of life. This makes emotional neglect more insidious and more likely to go unnoticed.

In addition, the effects of emotional neglect tend to be subtle. While severe cases are easier to pinpoint, less acute ones may go unnoticed for a long time - if not forever. Because we cannot address problems that we don’t know exist, not detecting emotional neglect leads to the continuation of emotionally neglectful behaviors, which significantly affect the emotional health of the person on their receiving end. Over time, the confusion, self doubt and sense of worthlessness a child experiences when they’re emotionally neglected intensifies, leading to more longstanding problems such as mental health struggles and relationship challenges.

Healing from Emotional Neglect

While identifying emotional neglect usually takes some investigation and self-reflection, the good news is that it is treatable and can be healed. 

While the trajectory of healing emotional neglect can look different for different people, some of the elements in the healing journey typically include:

• Acknowledging the Neglect: the first step in healing is acknowledging that emotional neglect occurred and recognizing the impact it has had on you.

• Seeking Therapy: processing both what you’ve been through and the grief of not having received what you wanted and needed can be very painful. Having the support and guidance of a professional who can help you navigate the complex feelings you will likely experience can be invaluable. 

• Building Emotional Skills: learning to identify, express and manage your emotions is crucial for those who have experienced emotional neglect. Emotional regulation techniques, as well as self-compassion and mindfulness practices can be helpful tools to learn when building your emotional toolbox. 

• Creating Healthy Relationships: building and nurturing relationships that feel emotionally supportive and validating are an important part of the emotional neglect healing process. These are relationships in which you’ll practice and be able to set healthy boundaries, seek support, and in which you’ll have open and honest communication in a way that feels connected rather than hurtful or dismissive. 

Conclusion

Emotional neglect is a profound yet often invisible trauma that shapes the lives of many in significant ways. Realizing the impact that a lack of emotional validation and support has in people’s lives is the first step in mitigating the profound effect that it has on our collective mental and emotional health. While healing from emotional neglect requires patience, courage, nurturing and self-compassion; as we learn to recognize and address our emotional needs, we pave the way for a more fulfilled and emotionally healthy life. If you need help navigating your way through healing from emotional neglect, reach out to a professional who can support you. It’s never too late to seek healing and create the supportive, nurturing connections that everyone deserves.